Thursday, March 15, 2007

An Open Letter to the Jolie-Pitts

Well, you did it again. It's bad enough that you are already the world's most perfect "modern" family, with your diverse-happy children and your we're-not-gonna-get-married-'til-everyone-can mentality, but now you've gone and adopted another kid. As if your family wasn't beautiful enough before, you have to go and get yourselves another Asian boy.
Adding this 3-year-old bundle of cute to your ever-increasing family, I know, it's still only the beginning. You’re not going to stop, and you know what? I hope you don’t. I hope that you continue to adopt a child from every country (except the US, because let’s be honest: Shiloh is “American,” and you only need one of those damned spoiled, almighty "I'm from the best country in the world" children to make you wanna regret it for life), just like you promised you would years and years ago after adopting Maddox: “I want my house to look like the UN.” You said that. And it’s clear that you fucking meant it.

And Brad. Seriously. You sure know how to pick a family. Good work, seriously, because if I could leave my wife for someone else, it would be Angelina Jolie. It’s evident that you don’t feel guilty, and why would you? You’ve got babies galore, and what does Jennifer Aniston have? Well, unless you count Vince Vaughn, she’s got zero babies. None at all.

I’ll be honest, Ange: I love you. I respect you and I wish I could be you. More than is healthy.

Pax Thien. That is an amazing name. Leave it to you to really know how to name your kids so that none of them have a "country of origin," but rather a worldly name that pretty much will give them claim to any area of the world they choose. PAX means "peaceful" in Latin, and THIEN means "sky" in Vietnamese. Wow. That is skill beyond anything I can grasp, and you deserve a big fat snap.

I just realized how sarcastic this letter sounds, and I'm going to take a moment to amend that: I have so much respect for you, it's painful. I'm sad that I'm not rich and famous and more giving and more loving of children, or I would be out there myself picking up kids from all over the world so that my family photos will looks like beautiful canvases of splatter paint.

I see where this is going. So, because I love you, and because I pride myself on having an eye for continuity and an overall sense of evenness, I have decided to help with your Campaign For Family Diversity by giving you these suggestions for where to go from here:

Next time you adopt a kid, it needs to be a BOY from RUSSIA. You heard me. A toe-head kid from somewhere that reaches temperatures below 50° in the winter time. And he needs to have a crazy white person's name that no one can pronounce because those letters don't exist in the English language.

And when you decide to go and get a sixth kid, I'm thinking a GIRL from INDIA. One that would otherwise get sold into prostitution. Preferably from some poor, destitute village in the north, near a dangerous mountain range. And talk about making your family even more beautiful: there are no women more beautiful than Indian women.

Now, I'm aware that you aren't doing this for the fame, and you're not doing for the attention. You love these kids and you love these countries. But it's important to be inclusive, and not pick and choose so much. Maybe in 10 years when you start to increase past 6 kids ('cause let me tell ya: these kids need to grow up a bit; stop adopting so freakin' quickly! Shiloh is still a "blob," no?), maybe South America would be a good way to bring your Circus to the Americas.

From a fan who wishes she were as rich and loving as you are, I hope that Pax rounds out this family tree perfectly... until the next Jolie-Pitt comes along.

Jealously yours,

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