How?

"Anything is Possible" by Fee Harding

"When the elephant is young and relatively weak, it is tied to an immovable stick. So later, no matter how large and strong he becomes, he continues to believe that he cannot free himself. Many intelligent people are like curious elephants. They never question their self-imposed limitations." — from the film, Cold Souls, via this link.

I find inspiration all around me: in nature, in beautiful art, in music, in people that I meet and libraries of books that I see. I spend an embarrassing amount of time reading other people’s blogs, by which I find new artists to adore, discover places I’ve never been and now long to visit, and read about people who are living their dreams… or are well on their way. I feel inspired, believing I, too, can do this. I can write/travel/design/lose weight and live the life I’ve always wanted.

But then, inevitably, depression follows. I look at the inspiration that has piled up in front of me—a mountain with steps for me to climb, until I realize that there are no lamps to light the way. I cannot figure out where to begin my ascent to the top, or if I’ll ever be able to keep my footing. I am overwhelmed.

This “fall,” so to speak, from motivation has haunted me my entire life. I feel it creep slowly into my veins and take me over, and then I don’t know what to do; I don’t know if I can overcome any of my personal obstacles and take the first step towards creating a healthier and fuller future.

I remember watching Oprah many years ago (via her 20th anniversary DVDs) where she interviewed Rudine Howard, a young woman who suffered (and eventually died) from a severe case of anorexia. Actress Tracey Gold was also a guest, discussing her own battle with the disease, and what Rudine needed to do to overcome it.

Her speech was full of poetry and words meant to inspire, and her gentle urging of a woman so weak and scared was suitable for a show such as Oprah’s: “Make the little steps to fill your mind so you can fight back.” And then Rudine, through helpless tears—asked

“But how? How do you do it?”

Of course, no one had an answer. Oprah has spoken often about how this particular “Aha!” moment in her 1994 episode changed her and her show forever, calling “How?” the central question of life. When I saw it for the first time over a decade later, it changed me as well, and—for better or worse—altered the way I look at my own motivation and dreams.

Is inspiration enough? Is simply knowing that I can do something enough? Is seeing someone I admire or envy living their dreams (often doing exactly what I dream of) enough to get me to make a change? To take a risk? To try something terrifying? To question all that I’ve ever known and dive headfirst into dark and murky waters? To develop the work ethic/self-control/confidence necessary to take on my writing/weight loss/self-criticism and—finally—see that the journey wasn’t as arduous as I’d imagined?

I don’t have any answers. Only questions that stretch back in years and make my future a daunting and uncertain place.

Where does a writer who has never finished a story before get the nerve to tackle a multi-book saga? Where does a blogger without a niche or specialty belong on the web-o-sphere? Where does a girl who has an addiction to food learn to look at food a different way?

I feel just as stuck and immovable as that elephant tied to a stick in the ground; I don't see clearly the thing that's holding me back. But I want to. I want to pinpoint my self-imposed limitations and break the chain once and for all.

Then I can finally be free.

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