Thursday, June 21, 2012

Possible Solutions

My Home Is the Sea by Clare Elsaesser of Tastes Orangey

I've been fighting a losing battle with my body, and this time it isn't merely about my ever-increasing weight. My head is fuzzy, my sleep is restless, my insides are unsettled, my patience is shot, and my energy has gone and disappeared. It's been a steady and strenuous struggle over the past couple months to get my mojo on track, and it has resulted in a critical inability to function normally.

There are a couple things that I think may be causing this.

Physically, it's very possible that I am anemic. I admit, I am not one to go to the doctor... basically ever, so the likelihood of me finding this out for sure is slim. But I do know a few things: I'm tired 100% of the time but deal nightly with insomnia; I feel weak, lethargic, and dizzy all day long; and I am certainly not getting the levels of iron or B12 vitamins I should be, thanks to forgetting about my Once-A-Day and avoiding copious amounts of beef. (The obvious solution to this is eat more meat; eat your vitamins. I've started doing just that and hope to see a difference soon.)

Sleep is also a factor, though it's na├»ve to think that the elusive "8-hours of sleep a night" is all that's keeping me from bouncing off the walls with bursts of adolescent energy. But it sure couldn't hurt, so I'm starting to become more strict about my bedtime, which usually consists of me getting in bed and lying there quietly and wide awake for a while.

It's a start.

Power Off  by Laura Berger of LauraGeorge

Mentally, on the other hand, it's a little easier for me to self-diagnose: I need a vacation. A real one. One that is more than just a weekend away from home, or a Friday off. It's been over a year since I took actual time away from work, and with the increased responsibility and hours, I'm feeling the toll.

One month from now, Jon and I will be visiting friends in NYC and staying with my dear friend, Jessie, and her boyfriend, Joe, in Brooklyn—an area of the Big City I have never been in all the times I've visited. So I'm excited. 

Originally, I planned to work the whole time. (I do work remotely, after all.) It wouldn't have been difficult; both Jessie and Joe work and Jon doesn't have a problem keeping himself occupied by walking around all day. It made me nervous to think of being off the radar and purposefully out of reach; it would be easier not to deal with a boatload of work upon my return.

But then I reconsidered.

Passing Through III by Jonathan Day
Having constant access to my work email, not to mention clients and co-workers in different time zones, means it's easy to be always "on the clock." Stepping away is hard. My nights and weekends tend to get away from me and my work/life balance becomes a muddled, blurry mess where I then compensate by drinking way too much wine.

But I deserve a week to myself; a week to reboot, without the stresses and pressures of work creeping in and ruining my play time. My boyfriend and friends deserve my undivided attention. A marriage to my cell phone is not what I want for my vacation or my life. Or your life. Let's just agree that our phones are not our friends, OK?

So my computer is staying at home. If I could get away with it, I'd leave my phone, too. Even though it's just New York and not Europe or a cruise ship or somewhere else where Wi-Fi/cell reception/etc. isn't available, it's a slippery slope. "Just answering this one email," can easily snowball to an entire evening dealing with an emergency.

No, thank you.

I'd like to focus on using my new camera and exploring the city with a boyfriend who has started making a habit of doing 25-mile urban hikes and making me inadvertently feel like a giant pile of lazy poop nuggets. I want to have the energy to keep up with him, because he's cute and walks fast and has nice calves. Being The Fat & Slow Girl Trailing Ten Yards Behind is not a moniker I am excited about having. 

I'd like to visit as many of my transplanted, California→New York friends as I can manage in seven days, especially considering it's been about four years since I've seen most of them, and let's face it, I was about 30 lbs thinner then. Boy, will they not care be surprised!

I want to enjoy the nights of drinking that Jessie has planned for us, and feel guilt-free about eating a giant corned beef & pastrami sandwich from Katz's Deli. You can only not feel guilty about gorging if you are active and energetic enough to believe it when you say, "Vacation calories don't count."

Perhaps this next phase is the start to becoming fully myself again? Sure, I'll always be an emotional mess with self-esteem issues and an addiction to salty foods, but maybe I'll also start being The Girl Who Wears The Fun Hat, so all that other stuff isn't so obvious.

For now, I'll settle for being The Hopeful But Cynical Girl With No Clothes That Fit.


  1. Enjoy your vacation, sugarlump - you deserve a reboot. And when we have our gchat about food stuff, let's talk about anemia, too - I've (finally) been doing what my doctor told me to do about it a year ago while still avoiding a lot of meat, and it seems to at least have made the beginnings of a difference in my malaise. Give all of our SB friends a hug from me, and go be The Girl Who Is Wonderful And Lovely And Generally Kicks Ass, because that's who you are.

    1. Also, I want that tasteorangey print at the top. love love love love love.

    2. Right? I love all her stuff, but I'm thinking of waiting for an original to come available. Not sure if it ever will, but... maybe I'll have to settle for the print. She has great ones of people in bed that make me sleepy. :)

      I'm on G-chat all day during work, so message me if you are on and have time! Muah!